An Apology To Myself

Things haven't been quite smooth lately and as realization goes my reaction to the situations could have been better. But sadly they haven't because somewhere down the line I have broken the promises I had made to myself. So this is saying sorry to myself and making an effort to get out of what ever heartache I have managed to get myself into.

Education

For me it meant to garner knowledge which would help me in future, but as time went by I found that it held a different meaning altogether. Some 3 years back there was a kind of turbulence around me which seemed to have swept up everyone in its tide, but I said, 'I'm different' and hence I preferred to take the road less travelled. At the time of my decision I didn't realise how difficult it would be to walk against the wind, I couldn't forsee the magnitude of the adversities which included taunts, poking made at my choice at the expense of my emotions. Today after 3 years Im happy at where I stand and still stand by the choice I made.

Even though Im born and brought up in Andhra I still quite haven't understood the craze for Engineering & MBBS streams. Personally I have nothing against these two courses apart from the fact that they never managed to fascinate me but I do harbour a kind of pitiful hatred towards people with a parochial attitude who can't see beyond these two. I have seen many instances where parents have forced their children into these for the sake of society. They have goaded their kids into writing the whole plethora of entrance exams, so that they can brag about the results and subsequent admission at the society parties. The time when I went through the phase of choosing majors in University I was the most envied person just because it was my will & wish to study whatever I liked and till date Im proud of the fact that my parents didn't force me into studying something I didn't like. But my peers didn't realise that I had to face the acrid remarks from their parents which tested my patience and perseverance. Over time the onslaught of remarks, comments & judgements started. What astonished me the most was the fact that people already had decided my future for me, at which I once stopped and asked a gentleman that what had made him decide my future for me when it was for me & my parents to decide what I wanted to do with my life, not him. I never saw him after that and even if our paths cross he tries his level best to avoid eye contact with me and that is absolutely fine with me. I have never had the liking for people who try to control everyone around them, to the point of planning out every step of their lives even if the person in question is your next door neighbour.

Another thing which crept into my mind was that are these entrance exams the litmus test of your intelligence. Just because I didn't take any of them I was labelled as someone who took the easy way out. Today I would like to tell my ex-friend that what I chose then was the most difficult path which was and still is less travelled, I chose to walk against the wind, away from the herd to be different and now 3 years after that obnoxious comment I stand at a point way higher than you. Just because you chose to be an engineer and I chose to be a graduate doesn't in any way give you the right to classify you & me into higher & lesser mortals. The difference between you & me is that I had the guts to go against the tide and do something which I wanted to not what the superficial society wanted out of me.

For those people who commented that they didn't know anything about the career which I had chosen for myself hence I shouldn't get into it: this is what I have chosen for myself, not for you; hence I need to know what Im getting into, not you.

There were some who taunted me by passing the verdict that I had no job scope after graduation little realising that they are graduates themselves and also unaware of the fact that in a few months time I will be joining work in the same company where they are working, ironically at a position higher than them thanks to my line of education which is the very thing they ridiculed.

Conclusion: I have the honour of the last laugh.

Kahi toh ....Kabhi toh...

coming soon..this weekend..;-).
Movies get released on fridays...my blog goes on air on same days....lol!!
Between loads n loads happening in my life ..and yea am back to being a movie buff
...a strictly first day first show freaskter..

Satisfaction

I met an old acquaintance yesterday and strangely while talking to him I noticed something amiss. The old smile and gaity were missing, thats when these few lines came into my head.

I have never felt you in the true sense in my life
Though you have always remained in mind and in sight.
I have tried to acquire you in change and
In all things flashy and new.
Surprising myself I see you in face of the urchin Im driving past
Wondering what is so joyful in being able to create a swing out of a disposed tyre
I envy your presence and the simple joy on his face.
I have every comfort that money can buy,
But still
The more I try to hold onto you
The more you seem to be slipping away from my life.
Alas! Weird are the ways of the world
Or should I say the material world.

Blame Game

Woke up to curses and abuses this morning in my usually blissfully peaceful neighbourhood, wondering who was screaming so loudly at the unearthly hour of 7 am on a weekend. Much to the amusement of others around, it was the 'highly intelligent, bright and cool' dude of the colony screaming his lungs out because he didnt get through his placement. What caught my attention the most was the fact that he wasn't blaming himself for lacking the skills to get into the particular company he desired but, instead he chose to wax eloquent on abuses out of his wide vocabulary on the poor HR.

Now this attitude early in the morning send me back in time to about 8 months back when placements were going in full swing in my own college. There we were, a mixed batch of students with those who hoped to be placed, those who knew they would be placed and those who had no hope at all for obvious reasons. Looking around my milieu on the first day of my placements, sitting with some 150 students, I wondered who would fall into which category; the taken and the ones left. I got my answer within a matter of two days but what surprised, shocked and rather amused me the most was the attitude of the ones who were not selected. Of course there were tears, disappointed faces, angry scowls of rejection, etc; but noone, I mean absolutely noone blamed themselves for not getting selected. There were abuses againt the head HR who happened to be an alumi of the college, some cursing that the company should shut down and others going that extra mile of saying that they were too good for the company. Now praising yourself is a different issue and maintaining a practical sense about your qualities is another one.

Coming back to attitude of blaming others, is what I call normal human tendency. I have seen varieties of this attitude from me, my immediate surroundings and who can forget the 'The Great Indian Tamasha' taking place in the Parliament. Recently there was a case of a girl from Kolkata who was paralysed due to the tension and depression she suffered on some reality show. As usual there was the same old case of blame game, the parents for once didnt stop to think that you cant clap with one hand hence the fault lies with them too.

The unrelenting pressure and cut-throat competition of modern times has left us bereaved of the very qualities which make us human. We are called the higher species for our trademark qualities of compassion, understanding and love. But the saddest part is that I see more of these qualities in animals than in humans around me.

On The Edge

I love the sea and remain captivated by its immense beauty for hours together whenever Im on a beach. I often find it difficult to tear myself away from that huge expanse of water and return. The world takes on a different meaning when Im standing there facing the sea and accounting for those unkept, broken promises which I made to myself. Everytime I look towards the crashing waves my mind hits the replay button on my life as if asking me to play nemesis on my life, chiding me for leaving things undone, emotions unsaid. It feels but natural to see my emotions and thoughts pour themselves out and lose themselves in the turbulence of the sea and return to me with their solutions presenting themselves to me.
As the waves wash up against my feet I can hear a voice calling out to me to come let my fears and myself loose between the folds of each caressing wave. Standing there I can see the blunders I made, I can see myself making peace with my surroundings and looking into the eye all those things which I have locked away in a corner of my mind fearing the terror they might unleash. But standing there in front of those waves crashing upon each other and melting into the sands I can slowly feel those fears and apprehensions getting lost into nothingness.
Years ago I remember myself standing at the beach on a full moon night watching the phosphor lined waves crash one after the other into the land, the salty wind blowing in my face and I could hear the voice which since then I heard so often imploring me to come out of my shell and melt into the darkness, to feel the silence and stillness which I was seeking and to feel the freedom of soaring high above the creation.
I wish to stand there again to be stripped of the walls that I have built, all my illusions and delusions alike. I want to be fearless again standing in front of my nemesis and be able to take on whatever life throws at me. The good, the bad and the ugly.